31

Four months passed since I last updated this blog and I never thought I would ever come here again in all honesty. Right now are 6:35 a.m. and I had to jumped outta bed because I couldn't sleep anymore. It's been the worst summer of my life because my cat died 30 days ago. Even so that is not reason why I'm here. I'm here because I was thinking about you. Your cat died too not that much ago and then mine died so I decided to talk to you. To be honest I don't know why I talked to you in that day. I only told that my cat died to the most important people. Anyway you answered "I don't help anyone why would I help you" if I remember well, I don't remember the rest and I can't go check since i deleted both the conversation and your number. Is not that you were wrong but I didn't had courage to talk to you since that day. I think I finaly realize how much of a "nobody" I am to you for some reason. I don't understand why this bothers me so much still. Why after so many months since we start talking their are still nights like this that you haunt my thoughts. Maybe because I saw some prints from what we used to be and now I don't believe in your "I just had enough of you that's why I changed." It doesn't make sence how quick it happened. I feel like there are too different persons inside of you. One of them is the "Actually I care and I always did" and the other one is the "I don't help anyone why would I help you" they just fused in what is you today, what you call a "bitch." And damn, the first one makes me feel weird. I'm reading our dms from march 27, 28 and 29 and I can't understand. But welp, too late now. Not only are you not gonna see this but I'm neither gonna show you or talk about it with you. I don't see us talking anytime soo unless the weak person that I am gives up and talks to you. That or if you send me a message and we both know that is not gonna happened. Sadly I do miss you, I wish you came to talk to me and just be honest like you were in those dms and show me again that "you" that intrigued me so much. Who am I to you?

PS. If I could go back a month ago when we hang out. I would hug you for sure.

29

So many weird stuff. Before everything, my "apathy" is back, I feel less. But yesterday you send me a message. You asked what was wrong with my friend, the other one that you hurted. You said he is all mad at you and he is being rude and aggressive or whatever, comparing him to me, because I'm not doing anything but not sending you messages. We talk a bit and then I asked if you wanted something more, you said no, I said bye. But then it happened. The tables turned. You asked me to stay, you asked me to not leave you. I was speechless. I was still mad, you didn't deserve that I stayed. But I'm weak as fuck so I stayed. But you suggested that I don't because you know the bitch you are. You know you are gonna hurt me. I'm gonna stay anyway, I don't have nothing better to do. Basically I'm dumb and stupid and I like you too much. That's one of the big problems in all this shit.

Anyway. Today (yeah today since its 1:15 a.m.) I'm gonna be with a girl that used to be a good friend. Until she felt in love with me and I kissed her (even though I didn't liked her back). Just proves how stupid I am. That was back in 2013. To be honest she is as stupid as me, or more. She forgave me and now we talk and gonna meet. She shouldn't have done that. I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt her again, I hope I don't. Damn, this must be what you are feeling. Small world indeed.

22-

I knew it. As soon as I said that I was slowly starting to think less about bam. I'm here, laying in my bed, thinking about you and crying non-stop for like a hour, maybe more. Thinking about all the good things you said compared to how stupid you are to me now. And the fact that some things that you said to me you also said to my friend. I fucking hate you so much. I wanna punch my wall harder than usual. If I could I would be looking to you eyes in the eyes and asking you why the hell did you change. Why making me feel happy if you just gonna ignore me later? I'm stupid, I know. I shouldn't have kissed your neck, I know. But you are as stupid as me. You could have told me why you changed, why didn't want to talk to me. Why didn't you? Don't I deserve an explanation? Girl, I fucking gave you the best of me. You think what? That half of the things I said to you I said to the other girls? Somethings I didn't even say to anyone. But you don't care right? I just overthink too much right? Fuck you. Here's everything I don't have te courage to say to you. I'm crying right now. But you don't care. And I love your coldness. I love the fact that you don't give a fuck. But I don't love the fact that you played with me. To be honest..
I dont know which one of us two deserves the other one the least.

22

Your birthday was two days ago, and that was the only reason for us to talk. I hope everything went well and you had a great day.
I'm slowly starting to think less about you, at least for now. I wouldn't be surprised if all of a sudden I started thinking about 24/7 again. Every time I think about you I just feel sad, empty. I keep asking myself "why?" and "what did I did wrong?" You're the best thing that happened to me since my ex and I broke up. You made me forget about her. You made me happy. That's the difference between the way I look at you and the way you look at me. For me you were the difference, you did what nobody else, including myself, could. Even if just for two months. But for you, I did nothing. I was and I am just another guy you met and used to talk. I was ready to have full trust on you and talk about anything. I actually think I already did that to be honest. You said things. You said you trusted me a lot. You said you liked to talk to me. Now I'm wondering if you say that to all the guys you talk. I don't think you do, I don't think you are the kind of girl to do that. But I have my doubts. In the end I didn't really knew you. Or I did and I just hide it from myself. I'm so confused, so lost. In you I found hope.
But maybe there isn't any hope for people like me.

17

It's been like 3 days since the last time we talked, it feels like a week or more to be honest. I don't want to annoy no more. I didn't send more messages and so didn't you, not that I was expecting you to do it. I knew you wouldn't send. Why would you? I don't know, maybe not talking to you is the best. I just feel so sad when I think about you. I hide it from everyone. I hide how much I need and miss you. But the sadness consumes me. I'm back at it again, everything is back to normal. To my normal. The emptiness is back. I feel dead again. Even some thoughts about my ex are coming back. I want to feel alive, like you made me feel months ago. I need you.

14

I'm tired as fuck. Not feeling that much good to write anything here. I just wanna go back to the days we talk, and you wanted to talk. Maybe I should stop caring about you, maybe then you will miss me. Who am I trying to fool? You missing me? If I stop talking to you, you probably wouldn't even feel the difference.
Send me a hi, show me that you want me. We could hang out in these school break, we could to so much things together. I have these dreams where we hug and laugh, and for some reason sleep together sometimes. My subconscious is weird. I wanna feel your perfume again. I wanna hug you one more time. Please don't say you gave up on me, that would destroy me. Damn, when I'm tired I only say shit.
Putting my dreams and wishes aside. I wrote some lyrics thinking about you. They aren't the best but anyway. You might never read them thought.

Exhale

Once again I found you

Travelling in my thoughts

You made so much happy

But now Im back to my worst

And I can't

Believe how I fell again

I just wanna run

Happens every time

I should have expected this

How could I've been so blind

My old demons

You slaughtered them

But your distance is growing

And they are back again

Talking to you was the best of the day

Sometimes the only good

Please stay

Even though I've never deserved you

Both cold as fuck

But not cold enough

You melt my heart

And I pretended I was tough

You are a piece of art

Too much good for me

My stupid scribbles

Dont achieve half of your beauty

I give you my soul

Without I even know

You give me a 

"I dont wanna talk to you"

And then you go

And then I go

Back to sleep 

Cant sleep

I found myself cuddling with insomnia

Counting monsters to fall asleep

Telling them how much of a harmónia

We could both be

Inhale

I fucking hate you.

But I love you.

13

As expected you sent me a message like nothing happened. You actually seem weird, just saying random stuff. And as expected I didn't said how sad I was and just pretend everything was a-ok. I want to say you look gorgeous in your last photo but I'm sure I'm just gonna be another saying it. I might say it anyway, I don't know. I'm not sure what to write here today to be honest. What else to say? Still questioning myself if I don't love you. Weird, I know. I'm like these because you made me happy and forget about stuff, but what if it's more? I hope not but maybe I'm in love and I just don't know yet. Nah, I don't think this can be called love. I don't have words to describe what it is though, but I really like you, I really like you to be honest. Again, you're the best thing that happened to me in a long time. Anyway, stupidity aside. You told me that the guy that you like found another girl, I hope you're fine about it. I don't believe you are as good as you shown but there's nothing I can do to cheer you up anyway, a month ago maybe, but not anymore. I wish though. Maybe one day I can pay you back and make you as happy as you once made me. I doubt that day will ever come to be honest.

If you liked me as much as I like you.

If you thought about me as much as I think about you.

Damn the feels.