31

Four months passed since I last updated this blog and I never thought I would ever come here again in all honesty. Right now are 6:35 a.m. and I had to jumped outta bed because I couldn't sleep anymore. It's been the worst summer of my life because my cat died 30 days ago. Even so that is not reason why I'm here. I'm here because I was thinking about you. Your cat died too not that much ago and then mine died so I decided to talk to you. To be honest I don't know why I talked to you in that day. I only told that my cat died to the most important people. Anyway you answered "I don't help anyone why would I help you" if I remember well, I don't remember the rest and I can't go check since i deleted both the conversation and your number. Is not that you were wrong but I didn't had courage to talk to you since that day. I think I finaly realize how much of a "nobody" I am to you for some reason. I don't understand why this bothers me so much still. Why after so many months since we start talking their are still nights like this that you haunt my thoughts. Maybe because I saw some prints from what we used to be and now I don't believe in your "I just had enough of you that's why I changed." It doesn't make sence how quick it happened. I feel like there are too different persons inside of you. One of them is the "Actually I care and I always did" and the other one is the "I don't help anyone why would I help you" they just fused in what is you today, what you call a "bitch." And damn, the first one makes me feel weird. I'm reading our dms from march 27, 28 and 29 and I can't understand. But welp, too late now. Not only are you not gonna see this but I'm neither gonna show you or talk about it with you. I don't see us talking anytime soo unless the weak person that I am gives up and talks to you. That or if you send me a message and we both know that is not gonna happened. Sadly I do miss you, I wish you came to talk to me and just be honest like you were in those dms and show me again that "you" that intrigued me so much. Who am I to you?

PS. If I could go back a month ago when we hang out. I would hug you for sure.

29

So many weird stuff. Before everything, my "apathy" is back, I feel less. But yesterday you send me a message. You asked what was wrong with my friend, the other one that you hurted. You said he is all mad at you and he is being rude and aggressive or whatever, comparing him to me, because I'm not doing anything but not sending you messages. We talk a bit and then I asked if you wanted something more, you said no, I said bye. But then it happened. The tables turned. You asked me to stay, you asked me to not leave you. I was speechless. I was still mad, you didn't deserve that I stayed. But I'm weak as fuck so I stayed. But you suggested that I don't because you know the bitch you are. You know you are gonna hurt me. I'm gonna stay anyway, I don't have nothing better to do. Basically I'm dumb and stupid and I like you too much. That's one of the big problems in all this shit.

Anyway. Today (yeah today since its 1:15 a.m.) I'm gonna be with a girl that used to be a good friend. Until she felt in love with me and I kissed her (even though I didn't liked her back). Just proves how stupid I am. That was back in 2013. To be honest she is as stupid as me, or more. She forgave me and now we talk and gonna meet. She shouldn't have done that. I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt her again, I hope I don't. Damn, this must be what you are feeling. Small world indeed.

22-

I knew it. As soon as I said that I was slowly starting to think less about bam. I'm here, laying in my bed, thinking about you and crying non-stop for like a hour, maybe more. Thinking about all the good things you said compared to how stupid you are to me now. And the fact that some things that you said to me you also said to my friend. I fucking hate you so much. I wanna punch my wall harder than usual. If I could I would be looking to you eyes in the eyes and asking you why the hell did you change. Why making me feel happy if you just gonna ignore me later? I'm stupid, I know. I shouldn't have kissed your neck, I know. But you are as stupid as me. You could have told me why you changed, why didn't want to talk to me. Why didn't you? Don't I deserve an explanation? Girl, I fucking gave you the best of me. You think what? That half of the things I said to you I said to the other girls? Somethings I didn't even say to anyone. But you don't care right? I just overthink too much right? Fuck you. Here's everything I don't have te courage to say to you. I'm crying right now. But you don't care. And I love your coldness. I love the fact that you don't give a fuck. But I don't love the fact that you played with me. To be honest..
I dont know which one of us two deserves the other one the least.

22

Your birthday was two days ago, and that was the only reason for us to talk. I hope everything went well and you had a great day.
I'm slowly starting to think less about you, at least for now. I wouldn't be surprised if all of a sudden I started thinking about 24/7 again. Every time I think about you I just feel sad, empty. I keep asking myself "why?" and "what did I did wrong?" You're the best thing that happened to me since my ex and I broke up. You made me forget about her. You made me happy. That's the difference between the way I look at you and the way you look at me. For me you were the difference, you did what nobody else, including myself, could. Even if just for two months. But for you, I did nothing. I was and I am just another guy you met and used to talk. I was ready to have full trust on you and talk about anything. I actually think I already did that to be honest. You said things. You said you trusted me a lot. You said you liked to talk to me. Now I'm wondering if you say that to all the guys you talk. I don't think you do, I don't think you are the kind of girl to do that. But I have my doubts. In the end I didn't really knew you. Or I did and I just hide it from myself. I'm so confused, so lost. In you I found hope.
But maybe there isn't any hope for people like me.

17

It's been like 3 days since the last time we talked, it feels like a week or more to be honest. I don't want to annoy no more. I didn't send more messages and so didn't you, not that I was expecting you to do it. I knew you wouldn't send. Why would you? I don't know, maybe not talking to you is the best. I just feel so sad when I think about you. I hide it from everyone. I hide how much I need and miss you. But the sadness consumes me. I'm back at it again, everything is back to normal. To my normal. The emptiness is back. I feel dead again. Even some thoughts about my ex are coming back. I want to feel alive, like you made me feel months ago. I need you.

14

I'm tired as fuck. Not feeling that much good to write anything here. I just wanna go back to the days we talk, and you wanted to talk. Maybe I should stop caring about you, maybe then you will miss me. Who am I trying to fool? You missing me? If I stop talking to you, you probably wouldn't even feel the difference.
Send me a hi, show me that you want me. We could hang out in these school break, we could to so much things together. I have these dreams where we hug and laugh, and for some reason sleep together sometimes. My subconscious is weird. I wanna feel your perfume again. I wanna hug you one more time. Please don't say you gave up on me, that would destroy me. Damn, when I'm tired I only say shit.
Putting my dreams and wishes aside. I wrote some lyrics thinking about you. They aren't the best but anyway. You might never read them thought.

Exhale

Once again I found you

Travelling in my thoughts

You made so much happy

But now Im back to my worst

And I can't

Believe how I fell again

I just wanna run

Happens every time

I should have expected this

How could I've been so blind

My old demons

You slaughtered them

But your distance is growing

And they are back again

Talking to you was the best of the day

Sometimes the only good

Please stay

Even though I've never deserved you

Both cold as fuck

But not cold enough

You melt my heart

And I pretended I was tough

You are a piece of art

Too much good for me

My stupid scribbles

Dont achieve half of your beauty

I give you my soul

Without I even know

You give me a 

"I dont wanna talk to you"

And then you go

And then I go

Back to sleep 

Cant sleep

I found myself cuddling with insomnia

Counting monsters to fall asleep

Telling them how much of a harmónia

We could both be

Inhale

I fucking hate you.

But I love you.

13

As expected you sent me a message like nothing happened. You actually seem weird, just saying random stuff. And as expected I didn't said how sad I was and just pretend everything was a-ok. I want to say you look gorgeous in your last photo but I'm sure I'm just gonna be another saying it. I might say it anyway, I don't know. I'm not sure what to write here today to be honest. What else to say? Still questioning myself if I don't love you. Weird, I know. I'm like these because you made me happy and forget about stuff, but what if it's more? I hope not but maybe I'm in love and I just don't know yet. Nah, I don't think this can be called love. I don't have words to describe what it is though, but I really like you, I really like you to be honest. Again, you're the best thing that happened to me in a long time. Anyway, stupidity aside. You told me that the guy that you like found another girl, I hope you're fine about it. I don't believe you are as good as you shown but there's nothing I can do to cheer you up anyway, a month ago maybe, but not anymore. I wish though. Maybe one day I can pay you back and make you as happy as you once made me. I doubt that day will ever come to be honest.

If you liked me as much as I like you.

If you thought about me as much as I think about you.

Damn the feels.

12

I miss talking to you. I know that when you want to talk you talk, and if you didn't did it yet is because you don't want to. I hope everything is fine with you. Can't lie, I'm a bit worried. I hope you got someone to talk and to cheer you up, you probably have. I don't but it's ok. The days feel all the same without you. Talking with you was the best part of my days to be honest.
Damn. The photo you post the other day, you're so beautiful. My friends thought the same but I just told them that you weren't ugly or something like that. Last thing I want is them thinking I like you or want something with you. But to be honest I couldn't stop looking at it.
I just hope the day when you finally send me a message you don't pretend nothing happened. I hate that, I don't work like that. I hope that you explain everything but I know that ain't gonna happen. I know you gonna come talk to me like you didn't passed days ignoring me, if you do that I should tell you the truth and say I'm mad or something. But if I do it I'm afraid you stop talking to me again, so as the weak person I am, I'm gonna pretend it's fine. You probably don't care if I get mad or not though. I wish you send me a "hi, how are you" so I can say "I'm fine and you?" and I can finally know how you are even if don't know how sad I feel. I miss someone who passes the whole day texting me, cheering me up, making me forget about the bad stuff.

I miss you. 

10

Two days ago we were talking just fine. I had to check if it was really two days ago. I'm getting lost in the time lately. But yeah, you said you didn't wanted to talk to me. I didn't know what to say, I asked if you were serious and if you were then why you didn't wanna talk? I can't find a good reason for it, I know you were talking with other people. Actually, I don't really know if want to know why..I didn't send a message just because you said you didn't want to talk and because you didn't answer me. You're just so weird, the fact that you have that "I don't care" personality just captivates me. I know you care more and about more stuff than what you show but still, it's so relatable. You don't pretend you care or like, you just say and do whatever you want, even if it means being cold. Relatable. Damn I like you so much. I like your hair's colour. Lately I've had some ideas for drawings, in a way, inspired by you. I actually did a concept for a drawing, I don't wanna say it's us but there is a change of it.

08

The struggle is real. The struggle of trying to don't think about you otherwise my heart starts beating faster. I should stop trying to chat with you, I'm just taking up space in your life. But sometimes I only think about me so I just can't stop talking to you. Maybe Im just selfish, there are probably more "I" in this shit than "you." Obviously why. You are the one who doesn't care after all. And I'm the one worried about a less than three months friendship that didn't matter for you.
My ex blocked me again, what a surprise. She always finds a way to get away from me when we are good. Maybe in a couple months she and her bf get mad and she starts talking to me again. I don't really cara anymore, I used to. You helped me on that. You made me forget of her. The time that I usually tod about her I spent talking to you. Ironic that now you don't care about me and I spend most of the time thinking about you, isn't it? It's a never ending cycle.
We are almost in school break and I want to hang out with you, it didn't need to be just us, maybe some others friends. But, like always, you didn't answer my question and just change the matter. I guess that's your way of saying no, I don't know. How should I? We know each other for less that three months. How could I tod I meant something? Me? In the beggining we find out we had so much things in common, we were so close.
I feel you so much distante now.

04

Another day I guess. I'm so tired. We didn't talk yesterday, obviously because I didn't send a message. I'm trying my best to not think about you but I can't. I'm gonna keep pretending everything is ok and nothing happen. For you nothing really happened. I thought you really liked to talk to me, how can you change from night to day? I thought I was important to you. I thought I was something for you. I though I meant something. How could I have been so deceived? We don't even know each other for 3 mouths. It may look like I fell in love with you and that's true, I fell, not it the sense you may think, like "dating" or something, but I did. I have so many questions for you. But I know you're not gonna answer, you just gonna run from them. It may sound crazy, but one of the many times I was searching for answers to this, I found myself thinking «Did she felt "something" for me? And now she's tying to get away for me to forget that.» I know it's stupid. But I'm stupid too.
I wanna be with you so much. You might never know that.
I got to sleep and I dream with a hug from you. I want to fall asleep and wake up when you miss me.

And if you never do, I don't mind sleep until I die.

Wow. Such writer skills. Much poetic.Wow.

03

What a bad day. I feel like shit. I passed the whole day trying not think about you. It was worse, I though about you even more. Yesterday I called you didn't answer, in that moment I just went to bed and cried till I fell asleep. But you don't care so I pretend I don't too. I don't even know what to say to you anymore, if I even should say something. I miss the days that youtube videos were my escape, and made me laugh. Now I feel I don't have escape, not even drawing. Just sleeping. I'm turning into my mom, that's a bad sign. I'm a demon, I just hurt people. Maybe for you that's just a hyperbole. The worst thing about is that I don't feel bad when I hurt (most of the times). You were one of the few exceptions, I worry about you, I don't want you sad. I'm nothing. I'm just another one and I hate feeling like it. So many "I" in this text and still I can't stop thinking about you. You're so beautiful. What am I saying? Probably half of this text ain't true. I'm so tired today...

02 -

Fuck. The things you said. I know they are true but fuck they hurt so much. You say it's past. You say it's just a hug. I need you so much. I said to you that I think about you all the time. I shouldn't have said that. You just gonna go even more away from me. Why do I need you so much. Maybe because you made me feel happy like I didn't feel for a long time. I should have expected this to happen. I shouldn't had attached to you so much. I should not got used to our conversations. I'm so dumb. It's all my fault. I don't wanna go to sleep, I know I'm gonna cry.

02

Fuck I miss you so much. I miss the "you" from a week ago to be more accurate. Crazy how it didn't even passed a week and I'm like this. We knew one day one of us would lost the interest in the other. I didn't know it was gonna be you. And I wasn't expecting it to be now. Just why now? Today our friend wasn't gonna be at home so we didn't met. I wanted to be with anyway but you already had plans. I really wanted to just be with you, hang out, just talk, chill. I hope this is just a short phase we are passing through and that everything goes back to normal soon. "Normal" since being happy isn't that normal to me. I look like an ex that can't move on, geez. I hope friday we can be together. I'm so stupid.

01

I still don't know if tomorrow after school I'm gonna leave home and be with you. You are not going for me, to be with me, so it doesn't make a difference for you. Even so I'm probably gonna go anyway, because I'm weak. You said I over think too much. You are right. We talk less and less, you are never the one saying "hey" and you never say when you are going to sleep. Something happened, my fault or not, I wanna know what. I hope tomorrow I can be with you, alone, and just talk. That would be great. But I bet the Universe is not gonna give me a second change. But even if I have the change to talk to you, I'm not gonna know what to say, I'm gonna be so nervous. I hope I don't cry, or at least you don't see me doing it. You don't know how much I wanna hug you as soon as I see you. I want you in my arms so much, make them go away even if it is just for five seconds.
We didn't even talk today, normally we should by now been talking for hours. I'm afraid to send a message. I'm gonna wait for you, hopeless that you gonna send anything.

29

Another shitty day so far. You talk to me, if one can call that "talking," but I know you don't want to. I don't know what to do. I don't want to give up, I wanna talk to you, I don't wanna lose you. But I feel I'm just annoying you. You're such a good thing that happened to me, but for you I'm probably just another guy you met online and that in the end just wants to eat or date or whatever you think of me now after that thing I did. I just want you to be my friend and make me happy again like you used to.
Our friend invited me to spend the afternoon with you and him this tuesday. I really wanna go but that's up to you. That's your thing, and you guys seem so comfortable together. I answer that I want to go but only if you want me to. I hope you do. I wanna be with you, I wanna say I'm sorry looking you in the eyes.
Talk to me, explain what's going on, say something. I wanna know what's happening with you, with us. Damn, I hope that you never see this blog, too manny things I have not the courage to tell you. You wouldn't care anyway.

28

Today's February 28th, two months and ten days since we started talking. Dont ask me how I know.
Last friday we met for the second time. I was excited. Best thing that was gonna happen that day.
It was going good so far, until I did that stupid thing. Can't stop thinking about that since then. Plus you were bad or sad, because of me or for some other reason, maybe both. I don't know why, if it was because of what I did or not, but you talk less to me. I feel like you're different. Yesterday you didn't said you were going to sleep. I stayed awake all night, knowing you wouldn't say anything. I felt so depressed before knowing you. But when you appeared in my life, slowly all the loneliness went away, all demons disappeared. But now, I feel you so distant, and I'm starting to feel them close again, they are coming fast, like they never left.
Don't leave me. You are the best thing that happened to me in this past months, probably almost a year. I wish you knew how important you're to me, I wish I was as important to you as you are to me.